On most days of the week my housemate Genesis and I commute to and from work together. Our jobs are on opposite ends of the same street, mine at Joseph's House and hers at the Northwest Pregnancy Center, an amazing non-profit that offers support and resources to mothers and families who choose to keep instead of terminate pregnancies. We joke that she works at the beginning of the street with the beginning of life while I work at the end of the street with the end of life. Even though it seems like our placements are extremely different, we have found that they are actually similar. We both deal with smelly diapers and those unsteady on their feet. We both encounter tears and the joy of innocence. Her stories only further my realization that life and death are intricately intertwined. Joy and sorrow are only made complete by the presence of the other.
On Friday, Genesis and I caught the bus headed home like every other day. We were balancing groceries while navigating the usual hectic, crowded D.C. streets. And then it started raining. Not a light sprinkle but a torrential downpour that sent everyone running for cover. As we got off our bus to run the last few blocks home, we realized that our umbrella was not going to shield us from the massive puddles at our feet or the sideways rain slapping our faces. I found myself at that moment when you decide whether you are going to look at the positives or the negatives of the situation. I decided to handle the rain by saying, "Ah, screw it," and run charging through the puddles. But Genesis took a very different approach. I turned around to find her stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, soaking wet and laughing hysterically at how ridiculous the storm was and how even more ridiculous we looked.
My life in D.C. has been a lot like that rain storm. There have been many unexpected showers that have left me feeling heavy and ready to run for cover. Three residents passing away in my first four weeks of work at Joseph's House. The frustration of not being in the same time zone or country with many of the most important people in my life. Growing anger at the brokenness of our social and political systems. Stress and anxiety over grad school decisions and applications. The shock of realizing that by the time my service year is done my favorite Joseph's House resident will probably have passed away. Sadness over the sudden end of a promising relationship. Longing for a Polynesian community here on the side of the country so far away from the Pacific Ocean. Loneliness in the midst of so many people. Homesickness. Unanswerable questions.
And yet just when I feel as if the storm will consume me, I am always offered a gift of love. Wisdom and compassionate support from my supervisors and co-workers. A normally nonchalant resident taking my hand and thanking me for everything I do for him. Calls every week from my best friend so that he can make sure I am doing okay even though he is working crazy hours for a major corporation. Homemade cards from the Krista Foundation reminding me that I am held in prayer and sustained by grace. Strangers on the street stopping to tell me that I am beautiful after the end of a work day that left me sweaty and tired. "Accidentally" finding a church community that meets me just where I am. Calls from my little sister.
And even more, I get to experience the joy of intentional community living. Being excited to come home to my house mates every day. Spending hours at the dining room table with them talking about how to restructure federal funding and which Robin Williams character is the best. Exploring the city with each other. Dancing in our kitchen to 90s hits. Pillow talks with my roommate Marlena that leave me falling asleep with a smile. Never making it through a church service as a group without laughing. My housemate Chris always being there when I need to cry. The dozens of methods we have tried to get rid of mice. Eating a whole batch of brownies in order to be brave enough to make it through a scary movie. The plans to move to Hawaii together in August instead of going in seven different ways. The prayers lit by our community candle and sealed by our held hands.
The storms are not fun and I don't particularly enjoy having to walk through them alone. But I will take the rain any day as long as I get the laughter and community that comes with it.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Learn to Balance
The past few weeks have been an emotional whirlwind for me. The adrenaline of being in a new place is now turning into a heightened realization of all the things that make this home both beautiful and heartbreaking. My joy at finding that, yes, that little voice inside of me saying that the risk of moving across the country to live with strangers while doing work that I'm not really qualified to do was in fact worth taking has only grown. But so has my anger at how racism, classism, and sexism continue to keep people locked in a prison of poverty and disease. So has my sadness as I see how my own stereotypes and prejudices keep me from being an agent for good.
I find myself standing in the space where my deepest joy and my deepest sorrow intersect. I have never been here before, but somehow this place feels more authentic than any other moment that I have lived. I am finally learning things that I have been taught all throughout my life. I thought I knew them, but I realize now that I never did. For instance, I grew up in a family that taught me to respect and love my body as a temple, but I never realized until a guided meditation at work that I have always been ashamed of my body. As someone with a spinal cord injury, I have lived most of my life hyper-aware of my physical limitations, of all the things that my body cannot do. It was not until the meditation that I recognized my insecurity and then saw how remarkably I have lived and served others in spite of my injury. My body is more than its weakness. My brokenness does not have to keep me from being whole. This new awareness is a lesson my mother has been trying to teach me since I was five, but I finally learned it now as I am faced with serving people who because of illness are physically weaker than me. The irony is humbling and daily I am moved to feelings of gratitude for my body that I have never felt before.
Another lesson I have learned here is how to appreciate my breath. I have spent the past couple of years trying to foster a personal mindfulness practice. In fact, one of the things that had first attracted me to Joseph's House was their incorporation of mindfulness into the healing process. In mindfulness, a large emphasis is placed on focusing on your breath as a means of stilling your spirit and centering your life. But whenever I would sit still and try to focus on my breath I would end up breathing so raggedly that I would nearly choke. I took classes, read books, and talked to spiritual mentors about how to meditate with my breathing but nothing helped.
Nothing helped until I held vigil for a resident dying at Joseph's House. His health had been declining rapidly and as I held his hand I could feel his whole body as it shut down. At that point, the phlegm in his throat was choking the resident's airways and his weak lungs were barely pumping. Though he had once been a dynamic force of a man, now he lay crying silent tears as all of his physical strength waned.
Despite the bodily and emotional toll of his dying experience, the resident still had the spiritual strength to hold himself gently. I watched in amazement as he methodically drew breath after breath. It took me a few minutes, but I realized that he was trying to mindfully breathe. In the absence of the power to speak, or the energy to even think out a prayer, he mustered everything he had to focus on calming his breath - the only thing he had left. Though it took everything he had, he was determined to celebrate the ability to breathe. To use every breath to encounter God.
With my hand still holding his, I began focusing on my breath. My breaths came easy and natural supported by lungs that are young and healthy. His breaths came ragged and labored pushed by lungs on the verge of death. With each of my breaths I prayed for peace for his spirit. For him to have the strength to let go. For him to know how much he is loved. And as our breaths found harmony, I learned why mindfulness begins in the body with your breath.
Life is a great balancing act. I am learning how to juggle work, community time, grad school apps, and time for self-care. I am learning how to represent my culture and family while being far from home. But perhaps most importantly, I am learning how to love myself. How to balance my burning desire for social justice and my everlasting need for compassion.
I find myself standing in the space where my deepest joy and my deepest sorrow intersect. I have never been here before, but somehow this place feels more authentic than any other moment that I have lived. I am finally learning things that I have been taught all throughout my life. I thought I knew them, but I realize now that I never did. For instance, I grew up in a family that taught me to respect and love my body as a temple, but I never realized until a guided meditation at work that I have always been ashamed of my body. As someone with a spinal cord injury, I have lived most of my life hyper-aware of my physical limitations, of all the things that my body cannot do. It was not until the meditation that I recognized my insecurity and then saw how remarkably I have lived and served others in spite of my injury. My body is more than its weakness. My brokenness does not have to keep me from being whole. This new awareness is a lesson my mother has been trying to teach me since I was five, but I finally learned it now as I am faced with serving people who because of illness are physically weaker than me. The irony is humbling and daily I am moved to feelings of gratitude for my body that I have never felt before.
Another lesson I have learned here is how to appreciate my breath. I have spent the past couple of years trying to foster a personal mindfulness practice. In fact, one of the things that had first attracted me to Joseph's House was their incorporation of mindfulness into the healing process. In mindfulness, a large emphasis is placed on focusing on your breath as a means of stilling your spirit and centering your life. But whenever I would sit still and try to focus on my breath I would end up breathing so raggedly that I would nearly choke. I took classes, read books, and talked to spiritual mentors about how to meditate with my breathing but nothing helped.
Nothing helped until I held vigil for a resident dying at Joseph's House. His health had been declining rapidly and as I held his hand I could feel his whole body as it shut down. At that point, the phlegm in his throat was choking the resident's airways and his weak lungs were barely pumping. Though he had once been a dynamic force of a man, now he lay crying silent tears as all of his physical strength waned.
Despite the bodily and emotional toll of his dying experience, the resident still had the spiritual strength to hold himself gently. I watched in amazement as he methodically drew breath after breath. It took me a few minutes, but I realized that he was trying to mindfully breathe. In the absence of the power to speak, or the energy to even think out a prayer, he mustered everything he had to focus on calming his breath - the only thing he had left. Though it took everything he had, he was determined to celebrate the ability to breathe. To use every breath to encounter God.
With my hand still holding his, I began focusing on my breath. My breaths came easy and natural supported by lungs that are young and healthy. His breaths came ragged and labored pushed by lungs on the verge of death. With each of my breaths I prayed for peace for his spirit. For him to have the strength to let go. For him to know how much he is loved. And as our breaths found harmony, I learned why mindfulness begins in the body with your breath.
Life is a great balancing act. I am learning how to juggle work, community time, grad school apps, and time for self-care. I am learning how to represent my culture and family while being far from home. But perhaps most importantly, I am learning how to love myself. How to balance my burning desire for social justice and my everlasting need for compassion.
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